SPORTS NEWS FOR SPORTS FANS: Blood Bowl Week 3
“nnnnnnGOOOOD EVENING everybody and welcome to the mid-season frenzy that is the Warbastards Invitational Week Three – the week where dreams are made and broken.
I’m Todd Johnson, and as ever my colleague here is John Toddson, bringing you all the news from this weeks brutal action. John, what have you got?”
“A burning case of crotch-rot from a trip to Weisburg Todd, but more on that later. First, lets take a look at how the top three teams fared – viewers of a sensitive nature may wish to man up for this bit…”
Game 1: Ashmantle Reavers vs Smashtooth Jobbers
Our first visit to the Crucible of Malediction, home field of the Reavers was to be a bittersweet affair. Early signs for the Reavers were good, with twoearly touchdowns run in from fairly easy positions despite the pouring rain. However, the game-plan of the Jobbers was soon revealed – a blatant run of foul play and underhand violence quickly saw several Reavers leave the field, along with the death of the Reavers star runner and playmaker Hiroth.
The disturbing levels of violence continued into the second half, with the Jobbers paying little heed to the actual game and instead concentrating on punishing the Reavers as much as possible, killing and crippling another two players, while gifting the remaining Reavers another two touchdowns. As the heavy rains cleared into uncharacteristically hot weather, the Reavers management registered several formal complaints regarding the presence of a greenskin Shaman on the sidelines and the actions of the Jobbers themselves, claiming that the greenskins had obviously been bribed by the Avelorn Eagles to cripple their main competition as much as possible.
At games end, victory came for the Reavers but at a steep cost, with their hold on the top of the league tenuous at best. Kalin Dreth was unavailable for comment and indeed all non-Druchii present were given one hour to vacate the stadium on pain of more pain.
We tried to reach Coach Snotgutz Mclane, however no one could make themselves heard over the gales of laughter coming from the tour-galley of the Smashtooth Jobbers.
Game 2: Badland Facesmashaz vs Avelorn Eagles
The Facesmashaz suffered their first defeat and also their first causality of the season. The defeat came at the hands of the eagles, but the casualty came at the hands of their own fans. During the match, the Avelorn Eagles managed to heave several of the Facesmashaz off the pitch, unfortunately for their fans, the Orcs were deposited into the Elf stands and spent a fun afternoon walloping ‘pointy-eared Gitz’ on their way back to the Facesmashaz dugout. Unfortunately for rookie Blitzer Urzag, the elves managed to heave him into the Orc stands. The plucky youngster was found after the match missing several teeth, sporting two black eyes and an enormous grin.
When asked for a comment after the match, Head coach Gitface Grotson had this to say: ”Dem pointy gitz don’t play fair, runnin away like dat! It’s shameful I tellz ya! Plain shameful! I mean, wot eva happened ta a proppa match Where ye av a good old ruck in da middle ov da pitch till someone makes it out of da scrum wiv da ball?” Veteran blocker Bargarg, in his usual verbose fashion summed up the game thus: ”BARGARG!!!” Wise words as ever from the Facesmashaz big number 11.
In response, the now-standard press release from the Avelorn Eagles had this to say:
The Avelorn Eagles managed another victory struggling to score in the first half of the game. Not expecting the green savages to bring skill to the game they were caught off guard by a catch straight from kick off, the leathery skinned beasts then made a wall and forced their way down field like a wave of purple and green putting both the Eagles blitzers in the injury box. The second half of the game saw the Eagles back on form scoring two touchdowns both created by star player and thee time MVP Lauron Eraladell number 9.
Speaking after the match, Eraladell said
“We were surprised and unprepared for the hitting power of the face smashers, but with my skill , guidance, and charisma I dragged the Eagles to victory.”
When journalists asked Lauron about his disrespectful comments about his team he merely replied
“There is no I in team but there is a me. Lauron Eraladell is Blood Bowl.”
Game 3: Weisburg Stakers vs Averheim Deluxe
So, our final game this week took us back to the Stakepit, for what many were already seeing as the classic game of this season – a pure man-on-man piece of action. Fans of the Stakers were not to be disappointed, as they comprehensively outran and outmuscled the Deluxe in a series of running and passing plays and some good old fashioned violence.
Already making a name for herself amongst the Stakers fans, Guisell Marionne du Temps Bonnaire again skipped and flirted her way to several more touchdowns, drawing admiration from both the crowd and seemingly most of the Deluxe team, spending most of the first half as she did surrounded by men in yellow…
Speaking of the Deluxe, despite several brave plays and individual efforts they seemed unable to breach the defences of the Stakers, each foray ending in a turnover that the Stakers swiftly converted into a touchdown. Whatever divine inspiration the Stakers had sought for last week was in fine flow tonight’ leaving them looking like a fine team after their slow start to the season.
Harlon van Sankt spoke briefly after the match, but most of his comments seemed to concern the thighs and legs of a certain Stakers catcher and were not suitable for repetition here.
A representative of the Weisburg Stakers could be heard to be bellowing “Sigmar willed it!” in response to every question asked.
“Helluva week of action Todd”
“Helluva week indeed John. The league table looks pretty steady at the moment, with little movement”
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“Looks like some of that daylight between the two halves of the league has closed there John. ”
“The Stakers do seem to be making a late break for mid-table mediocrity Todd, you have to wonder how much of that is just a desire not to face the Jobbers in the Dungeon Bowl play-off. It’s looking increasingly like a showdown between our two elven teams for the title, but with victory coming at a steep cost to the Reavers, its doubtful whether they will be in any shape to contest a game against their hated cousins.”
“Hmm, good point John. With their next match against the Badland Facesmashaz another potentially damaging affair, they look vulnerable.”
“So do Witch Elves Todd, right up until the knives come out. You remember that night in Clar Karond don’t you?”
“Remember it? The scars on Sigmars Hammer still make Frau Johnson blush.”
“Hah, good times Todd”
“Good times indeed John. We’ll be back next folks with all the news from that match, as well as the Deluxe-Jobbers showdown and the Eagles taking on the divinely inspired Stakers. I’m Todd Johnson-”
“And I’m John Toddson”
“Good night sportsfans!”