Why Orks are dumb, and you’re dumb for liking Orks.


Hey Internet! We have a follow up article to this one! It is about how cool Orks are! Honest! Click here to see!


Ok so inflammatory title aside (hey it worked, you’re reading right?). What’s up my butt this week? I have an issue with Orks. Orks in general D&D, Warhammer – everything. But for this baseless rant I am focusing on Orks in the warhammer 40,000 universe.

It’s clear Orks have gone through several different focuses as the game progresses, they’ve been comic relief, bikers, barbarians and well now they’re… well who knows what they are. And that’s my problem with them – they just don’t… fit.

40k Universe

Every army or faction in 40k has it’s function and place within the overarching mythos of the universe and Orks don’t. Orks are dumb.

Chaos Daemons

Nightmare bait. What’s more grim dark than demons? Nothing. What else conveys the hopelessness of the 40k condition than actual monsters-made-flesh from the nightmares of man.

Chaos Marines

The folly of man, hubris and meddling with powers beyond our control. Chaos personifies the worst traits of man, greed, lust, wraith etc, but also go to illustrate the ‘good’ aspects of these sins and emotions.

Assorted Space Marines

Lumping all the colours together, these are the hope for mankind, the best we can produce and one of our only hopes for survival in a bleak and uncaring universe.

Adapta Soroitas

The sisters illustrate the Imperium’s inner conflict, they exist to subvert a law preventing the church baring arms. They illustrate the conflict between religion and military and provide a well needed female element.

Imperial Guard

Men. Just men. Un-augmented, outnumbered and outgunned they represent humanity’s pugnaciousness and tenacity.

Necrons

Ancient, immortal and terrifying terminator robots. A snapshot of what mankind could have been? The mad scientists of the universe.

Eldar

A warning tale for mankind – what becomes of hubris. The elder race of puppet masters trying to still pull strings even with their empire in ruins.

Tau

New blood and new hope. Eastern style, with high technology, brings the high technology archetype to the universe.

Nids.

Faceless, uncaring lovcraftian horde of horrors. Can’t be reasoned with or understood, they don’t care for your religion or politics, only your biomass to feed the hive mind.

Orks

Well that’s it… what are they? Horde? Nope ‘Nids have that. The Everyman? Nope that’s guard. So just why are they there?

They’re a hodgepodge of ideas, they’re hordes like ‘Nids… but with guns like guard… and… cartoon styled planes.. and Mr Potatohead stompers and… urgh. See they’re a mess.

Plants, that can manufacture guns and teleport… with green skin? Despite having red blood, riding round in mad-max buggies speaking in bad ray-winston-cockney voices.
‘Ere Ladz’
‘Dakka Dakka’

Nope.

Fixing them

Grey OrkRight so it would be easy to just bash Orks and then leave them, but no, not me. I’m going to fix them too.

Something which is surprisingly easy. Feral Orks.

Yep that’s it, easy fix.

  • Stupid WW2 inspired cartoon planes? Gone.
  • Commandos smoking cigars? Gone.
  • Mr Potatohead Stomper? Gone.
  • Grot Teleporting Guns? Gone.
  • Big Rig Style Trucks? Gone.

Strip them back to a simple warpainted tribe of warriors with pre-gunpowder technology. They can have some catapults, spears, slings etc for ranged weapons – no more than 12″ range.

Outgunned you say? Nope that’s where Weirdboys come in, they’re the artillery for the army – take a note from Fantasy’s Skaven – horrifically powerful but just as likely to blow a massive chunk out of your own army.

Transports? Yep, gone are the buggies but whats in? Mummak style Squiggoths.

Maybe you could have a Mekboy. One. Who perhaps manages to cobble together one thing… perhaps a Dread style walker a big part scrap, part wicker man style idol to their gods.

Oh and one more thing.. they’re not bright-incredible-hulk-green. They’re green/grey.

There. You’re welcome. Orks are fixed!

 

Ok so no doubt someone will like Orks and come to their rescue. Cool, please do, that’s what the comment section is for below. I WANT to like them but… all those reasons.

 

Martin

By day a mild mannered Web Designer from Swindon, by night a horder and shaper of bits in his mad kit bash laboratory.

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