Bloodbowl: Sports News for Sports Fans – Week One
“nnnnnnGOOOOD EVENING everybody and welcome to the round-up of this weeks action from the inaugral Warbastards Invitational, a hot-bed of on-pitch action and off-pitch drama!
I’m Todd Johnson, and my colleague here is John Toddson, coming up we have confirmation of the standings after this opening week, but first, lets take a look at the highlights and low-lights of the opening games. Over to you John.”
“Thanks Todd. Yes, an exciting opening set of games, with a suprising number of touchdowns and causalties scattered around, plenty for every fan of this fine fine game. Let’s head over to the Challice first, where the extravagantly rich Averheim Deluxe hosted the richly extravagant Averlorn Eagles….”
Game 1: Averheim Deluxe vs Averlorn Eagles
Fans hoping to witness a gentlemans game between the richest teams of gentlemen in the game were shocked at the levels of crude violence and underhand play on show in a blood-stained 80 minutes, with several Eagles fans wondering if they had bought tickets to watch a Druchii team in error. Despite a solid victory, the statement released through the PR department for the Averlorn Eagles made reference only to the suprising violence on show:
” Head coach Findecano Telemnar of the Avelorn eagles would like to express his sincerest apologies to the Averheim Deluxe for the conduct of number seven Voronthal .
We are ashamed of this individual and have removed two pampering privileges each day for the rest of this season.
He has apologised for the death of the human player and says that he was misinformed about the subtle differences in the old world league and was under the assumption that all teams practised this behaviour.
The team coach of Avelorn Eagles was impressed with the 14000 attending elves and Nithan Surehands for his two touchdowns.”
In response, Harlon Van Sankt, coach of Averheim Deluxe had only this to say in response:
“Sigmar curse those damned dirty elves!”
There have been calls for an investigation into the birthplace of the Averlorn Eagles player Voronthal, with several officials and fans claiming he bears a sharp resemblance to the long-missing Druchii player Varan Thalis, of the Clar Karond Corsairs.
Game 2: Wiesburg Stakers vs The Ashmantle Reavers
Playing for the first half under blizzard conditions more suited to Naggaroth than the Empire, the Reavers soon established themselves as a team not afraid to run the ball, scoring two touchdowns in quick succession. A valiant fightback by the Stakers resulted in a touchdown of their own, scored without their catcher whose absence from the field for the entirety of the first half may have been due to the adverse conditions rather than any lasting concussion. Clearer weather in the second half saw the Reavers run in another two touchdowns, with both self-nominated team captain Anomandaris and rival prospect Hiroth the Cut sharing the scoring honours. The average fans lust for blood was sated with the second half injury inflicted on the Stakers number 10, though his previous life as a Flagellant may have had some influence on his decision to throw himself on the blades of the Reavers.
Speaking after the match, head coach of the Wiesburg Stakers Pieter Speilensmidt was quoted as saying
“We can take alot away from this performance, Sigmar is displeased. The team needs more lashings, Sigmar likes lashes…..SIGMAR WILLS IT!”
While his sepulchral and emaciated opposite number Kalen Dreth of the Ashmantle Reavers merely issued a one-word statement;
Game 3: Smashtooth Jobbers vs Da Badland Facesmashaz
At times appearing like a greenskin tribal war rather than a game of Blood Bowl, this green-on-green tussle has fast become a fan-favourite match, offering bloodshed, heroics and comedy in equal measure.
The high causalty count seemed not to phase the head coach of the Jobbers who gleefully funnelled player after player into the maw of the Facesmashaz, who were content to pound away at their cousins. The suprisingly high score from the bruising Orc team was in part due to the Jobbers themselves, one enterprising goblin seeming to push an Orc player into his own endzone in an attempt to get a breather from the endless violence. A last minute display of skill from the Jobbers saw a touchdown scored in the dying minutes of the game, and the loss of several players had little impact on the teams fortunes as they simply pressganged several members of the crowd into their ranks for the next match.
Speaking after the blood was mopped up, Head coach of the Badland Facesmashaz Gitface Grottson, was quoted after the match:
“yeah, good game! Yet even remembered to pick up da zoggin ball! Heh heh heh!”
Veteran Blocker Bargarg shared some of his years of wisdom too:
His opposite number, coach Stunning Snotgutz Mclane had this to say:
“Those little zogs put up a good fight for gobbos. Seein’ the FaceSmashas in action woz a real honour. The Jobbers are all recovering from injury but don’t count em out!
You know those feel good theatre-plays where a bunch of losers turn into champions? Well the Jobbers don’t stand a Sister of Sigmars chance in a Tilean brothel of being champions, but if at least two of the zogs survive the season, I’ll be proud. We lost a true star out there today though, that chainsaw won’t be cheap to replace”
“Back to you Todd”
“Thanks John. So, let’s take a look at how the league stands currently”
|Team||Pts||TD For||TD Against||Cas For||Cas Against|
“It’s all very close Todd”
“Yes indeed John, early days yet. Hold tight sports fans, next week sees a whole new ballgame and a lot more crunching action – as always, we will bring you all the news and answers”
“Answers to questions like: Why are the Averlorn Eagles blitzers helmets so big? Will the Facesmashaz bother scoring any more touchdowns? And where the hell is my beer?”
“I’m John Toddson-”
“And I’m Todd Johnson”
“Good night sportsfans!”