Blood Bowl: Sports News For Sports Fans – Week Two
“nnnnnnGOOOOD EVENING everybody and welcome back all the action from the Warbastards Invitational!
I’m John Toddson, and as ever my colleague here is Todd Johnson, bringing you all the news from this weeks brutal action. Todd, its over to you.”
“Thanks John. Well, things certainly stepped up a gear this week with touchdowns and casualties a plenty, and even more controversy from the Avelorn Easgles. More on that later, but first, let’s take a trip to the Garden of Pain, home of the Badlands Facesmashaz as they place host to the Wiesburg Stakers….”
Game 1: Badlands Facesmashaz vs Wiesburg Stakers
By now, fans of the Facesmashaz knew what to expect from their team, and the boys in green did not disappoint. Despite an early chance for the Stakers to retrieve their own kick-off, the game quickly dissolved into a brutal mid-field scrum, with a green tide slowly rolling its way forward. Unable to breach the green machine, the Stakers saw several players removed from the field before the Orcs trundled in their first touchdown.
Hopes of a quick comeback seemed to be crushed by a riot amongst the fans, cries of ‘Remember Blackfire Pass’ inciting massed violence between followers of both teams. By the time order was restored, the Stakers had only seconds to equalise. Seemingly the subject of Divine Inspiration, a long bomb arced the length of the pitch like Sigmar’s own comet-
“Nice imagery Todd”
-and sailed into the waiting embrace of Guiselle Marion du Temps Bonnaire, the Stakers flirtatious Brettonian catcher who literally skipped into the Facesmashaz End-zone while blowing kisses to the crowd and draw things level.
Sadly, whatever inspiration the Stakers found was quickly beaten out of them by the FaceSmashaz, with one player losing his life to the not-so-tender touch of Bargarg. The Stakers seemed relieved when the final whistle sounded, despite only losing 1-2, they had taken a beating.
We caught a few words with Gitface Grotson after the match –
“Yeah, that’s the way ta stuff a zoggin ‘oomie, dem lanky, pink-skinned gitz didn’t know wot ‘it em! Well I tell ya wot ‘it em, it was da big, green, mean, machine dat is da Facesmashaz! Dat’s wot ‘it em!”
Veteran blocker Bargarg was asked to share his experience on the subtle nuances in the different playing styles in the league but only responded
The Stakers head coach was unavailable for the post match press conference. All that could be heard from the away team changing room was lamentation, the gnashing of teeth and the lashing of whips and chains
Game 2: Averheim Deluxe vs The Ashmantle Reavers
The Reavers continued their starting form with style, leaving the players of the Deluxe stumbling in their wake as they ran in three unanswered touchdowns during the first half. The Deluxe seemed unable to collect the ball, as it was stolen each time by the Reavers and whipped around the field in a bravura display of running Blood Bowl by the Druchii. Fans in attendance were a little disappointed at the lack of violence on display, but some beautiful runs kept them happy.
Whatever words Harlon Von Sankt had for his despondent team during the half-time break seemed to have an effect as the Deluxe started the second half anew, actually looking like they had remembered they were here to play. A quick touchdown from the humans was answered with another from the Reavers, before a fourth from the Reavers star player Hiroth seemed to seal the game in their favour. A fifth score carried in by a barely-out-of-breath Druchii blitzer was a final flourish, but the Deluxe were not done yet. Seemingly carried to new heights of anger by the arrogant running play of the Reavers, Averheim Deluxe secured a second touchdown and then set about the business of hurting the Reavers as much as possible. When the dust had cleared, the Reavers had lost two line-elves to Khaine and were in a rough shape for their next match.
Speaking after the match, Averheim Deluxe’s MVP Felix Ritter had this to say:
“Seems those elves aren’t so tough when they’re not stomping a downed man”.
A man of few words, he returned to flexing in the mirror.
Kalen Dreth and all members of the Ashmantle Reavers were unavailable for comment, however several Deluxe players later reported that their first-born children had gone missing after the match.
Game 3: Avelorn Eagles vs Smashtooth Jobbers
Once again, the Avelorn Eagles found themselves at the centre of some controversy surrounding their play and conduct on the pitch during their home game at the Phoenix’s Nest. Having already made several official complaints regarding having to allow Goblin fans and players into Ulthuan, The Eagles seemed determined to downplay the match as much as possible, displaying none of the running and passing flair that fans would associate with Asur teams. Instead, the politely clapping masses of Asur fans were forced to witness a brutal spectacle of slow violence, with the Eagles intent on injuring as many goblins as possible. The first half ended 2-0 in favour of the Eagles, with each team leaving the field to a chorus of jeers and polite applause from the segregated fans.
The second half saw the Jobbers find new purpose, actually stringing several plays together before the strong arm of a troll saw a plucky gobbo hurled deep into the Eagles half. Landing safely, the little blighter scampered into the end-zone and treated the Eagles fans to an interesting interpretative dance regarding their parentage and interests in animals. Incensed by this lack of manners, the Eagles ran in a further two touchdowns and reduced the Jobbers numbers to a mere 8 players on the pitch, again acting more like their dark kin than their rarefied peers. Controversy exploded during the last play of the match, with the Eagles running in their final touchdown after the final whistle had been blown – despite the loud boos of the crowd and the anger of the goblins, the referee allowed the score to count and was later seen leaving the pitch in the company of the Averlorn Eagles cheerleading squad.
Speaking after the match, Coach Snotgutz Mclane had this to say:
“Four one and no casualties, a disgrace. I told those little zogs foul, foul and foul again but nothing… Bah.”
The standard press release from the Eagles spokesperson was somewhat vague, focusing only on their Head Coach being
“baffled beyond belief by the goblins play style and the use of an obscene amount of highly illegal devices”.
No mention was made of the accusations of cheating dogging the final moments of the match, nor the formal complaints logged regarding the presence of the goblins in the Phoenix’s Nest.
“Quite a week there John, back to you”
“Thanks Todd, quite a week indeed. Let’s take a look at those standings”
|Team||Pts||TD For||TD Against||Cas For||Cas Against|
“Seems to be some space opening between the two halves of the league there John”
“Well with another 3 games to play, it’s not impossible for those teams in the lower positions to pull this back, particularly with the three leading teams still to play each other. Looking at the stats, you can se with so much controversy surrounds the Eagles – I haven’t seen casualty stats like that since Ulthuan last ran out of baby oil”
“Dark days John, dark days. We all remember the Great Chafing. Join us next week folks, when we have a good old fashioned man-off at the Stake-hole between the Stakers and the Deluxe, while the Eagles face up to the bruising Facesmashaz in the Garden of Pain”
“Mmm, looking forward to that one. We also get our first look at the Crucible of Malediction, home ground of the Ashmantle Reavers as they play host to the Smashtooth Jobbers.”
“I’m Todd Johnson-”
“And I’m John Toddson”
“Good night sportsfans!”